so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
