please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
