On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
