i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
