You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
