I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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