Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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