Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
