I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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