apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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