I just pynch a tree in the face
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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