She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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