We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
