He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
