when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
