I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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