Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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