When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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