He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He passed out mid-signature
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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