I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im six kinds of drunk right now
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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