cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
