Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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