new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
please come you make the beer taste better
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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