i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
