just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
