remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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