I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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