google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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