He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
