speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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