where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
