We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
