I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
