i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
