i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
