Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
