I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
