Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
