i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
