Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
