We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
