I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
