Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
