That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
