I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
