that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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