he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
