I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
