dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
