I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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